In the words of Inigo Montoya: Let me explain, no there is too much, let me sum up. The Princess is marrying Humperdink in a leetle less than haf an Hhour… No wait, that’s not it.
I don’t like hot.
Still, I was outside in a lovely 25 degrees Celsius today which in Fahrenheit is… too freaking hot for a Canadian boy. This immediately got me thinking: Weather control! Which immediately led me to maniacal cackling and general super-villain direction, but with Joss’s Magnum Opus (I call it that because I want him to STOP MAKING FREAKING MOVIES AND GO LIVE IN A BOX UNDER THE STAIRS) currently showing the world that Super-heroes are cool I thought I might encounter some plucky youth with delusions of adequacy trying to make a name for himself and that sounds a lot like work.
Long story short, if modifying global weather patterns for my convenience and comfort is off the table, I need to locally change the temperature, because it’s still too freaking hot. Naturally this leaves me with only one option that doesn’t involve a large swan-shaped ice sculpture head piece: a personal air conditioner!
Since cooling the air around me is pretty pointless if that air insists on moving (Discourteous element! Back in your box!) That means affixing a refrigeration unit to my head. While I have no qualms about looking ridiculous in the name of SCIENCE! (I was born looking ridiculous, might as well have a direction for it) I’m not interested in large heavy head gear snapping my neck.
And thus was born: (DumdumDUM!) Operation BrainFreeze! No damnit, not a round of slurpees. The plan is simple in its’ simplicity, elegant in its’ elegance and clever (it’s a rick, get an axe!) in its’ cleverness.
For those of you internet folk watching from home, I just used four apostrophes correctly in the same sentence. LEARN!
So, the beautiful woman way out of my league that consented to marry me and give my children a chance by blending her awesome DNA with my recycled kitty-litter nucleotides has consented (in theory) to making a hood. Not just any hood, oh no, this will be a hood so magnificent as to hold my attention for entire MINUTES. To this hood I will tether loops/coils of silicon aquarium tubing carrying a refrigerant to be named later ( I voted for “Frank” but the gnomes insisted on something more traditional). This refrigerant will be pumped via peristaltic goodness around the exterior of my heat-vexed noggin, removing that most hideous of thought-destroying excess thermal energy through a heat exchange on the base of a Peltier module salvaged from a USB drink cooler! The peristaltic pumps require motors, so: To PRINCESS AUTO! Thar be gear motors in them thar bins!
With the brain sufficiently resistant to the abomination that is summer heat I will retain the illusion of my intelligence and continue on my glorious path of enlightenment, all the way up to Average!
By the Power of MySkull! (I suspect it is white rather than grey, but will not likely ever know what with my brain and eyes living in it and all)